— So you’ve finally made plans to meet that sexy new couple you’ve been chatting with. She seems very hip with her vintage style and 1970’s Farrah Fawcett hair. He’s been flirting non-stop with overt sexual innuendo and unsolicited dick pics, but you chalk it up as nerves or eager excitement.

Drinks at 7. If all goes well, on to the hotel that just happens to be within walking distance (purely coincidental) of the bar. You both take a final glance in the mirror, satisfied that the kids won’t notice mom’s bare nipples playing peek-a-boo in her sheer “going out” dress or the flush in dad’s cheeks from his chemically enhanced super-libido. This date has been weeks in the making. Your schedules have finally aligned and the Gods have rewarded your patience with a (mostly) responsible, but more importantly, available babysitter. You throw money at the sitter for pizza and tell the kids to behave as you run out the door.

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